When people say, “Our thoughts and prayers are with you,” do they mean it?
Hi, I’m Rex Rogers and this is episode #224 of Discerning What Is Best, a podcast applying unchanging biblical principles in a rapidly changing world, and a Christian worldview to current issues and everyday life.
When someone passes or suffers some tragedy it’s become common in American culture to say, “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” This conventional phrase has become a socially accepted expression of sympathy.
There is nothing wrong with this phrase as such, especially if the person saying it really means it. Will they really think about the person experiencing grief? Will they actually pray for them? If they do not follow through, thinking and praying for the aggrieved, then this statement is little more than a ritualized expression, what linguists call a phatic expression—language meant more for social bonding than for literal meaning.
I’ve wondered about this phrase along the way, even catching myself when I was thinking of saying it. Do I mean it or is this a polite throw-away phrase that gets me past an uncomfortable moment?
Or maybe you’ve been the recipient of this sentiment during your time of trial. Did you believe the person saying it, or did it not matter what they said as much as they bothered to be there and express some sympathy for your feelings?
“Thoughts and prayers” made national news in the aftermath of the tragic mass shooting in Minneapolis wherein a shooter ruthlessly shot at children through the stained-glass windows of a Catholic Church while the students and their teachers held a beginning of the year chapel. He killed two innocent children and injured twenty-one others.
Following this horrific bloodbath, in what is usual and expected fashion, various political leaders made public statements. Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey told media, “Don't just say this is about thoughts and prayers right now. These kids were literally praying."
On CNN, Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobachar said, "Forget about thoughts and prayers. These kids were literally praying when they were murdered through a church window.” On her X account, MSNBC host Jen Psaki caused the most stir when she rather vehemently posted, “Prayer is not freaking enough. Prayers do not end school shootings. Prayers do not make parents feel safe sending their kids to school. Prayer does not bring these kids back. Enough with the thoughts and prayers.”
Other notables weighed in with similar statements, but for the most part their comments were not really about thoughts and prayers but about gun control.
Gov. Gavin Newsom put it bluntly in his post on X: “They were in their church praying when this happened. What they need is gun control.”
Now there are various ways we could analyze this. We could focus upon gun control versus other ways to stop mass shootings. But that debate is not my interest here. I’m more intrigued by what these and others mean, including me, when we say, “our thoughts and prayers are with you.”
I cannot speak for what’s in the heart of those who seemed to dismiss the efficacy of prayer, but I can point to other things they believe that could be at the root of their views on prayer.
Take for example Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine’s comments last week about the source of human rights and law. While considering an administration appointee during a Senate Foreign Relations Committee meeting, Sen. Kaine responded to the candidate’s assertion that “all men are created equal because our rights come from God, our creator; not from our laws, not from our governments.” To this, Sen. Kaine said, “The notion that rights don't come from laws, and don't come from the government, but come from the Creator...That's what the Iranian government believes. It’s a theocratic regime that bases its rule on Shia law and targets Sunnis, Bahá’ís, Jews, Christians, and other religious minorities. They do it because they believe that they understand what natural rights are from their Creator. So, the statement that our rights do not come from our laws or our government is extremely troubling.”
I’d say the fact what’s extremely troubling is that Sen. Kaine thinks the idea our rights come from our Creator is extremely troubling. It’s ironic indeed that Sen Kaine represents Virginia, the home of the man, Thomas Jefferson, who wrote the first draft of the Declaration of Independence wherein he said, and the Second Continental Congress ratified, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
You’ve heard the expression, “He said the quiet part out loud.” This is what Sen. Kaine just did. He is admitting that he does not believe our unalienable rights come from our Creator and he argues instead that government is the source of our rights. This is telling and scary to say the least. It is also un-American.
Now back to “thoughts and prayers.” As I said, I do not know these peoples’ hearts, but I do think that anyone who discounts prayers in such a snarky manner – Remember, Psaki said “Prayers are not freaking enough,” using an f-word substitute that everyone recognizes. But if a person does not comprehend the purpose, power, and efficacy of prayer, then it suggests what is in their heart, and what’s in their heart is likely what Sen. Kaine said out loud: God is not sovereign.
The secularizing trend of America’s political and social and academic elite has been evident for some time, at least to the 1960s and perhaps back to WWII.
Calling into question a public leader’s statements about God still doesn’t tell us what exactly the attitude and belief is of his or her heart, Democrat or Republican. We know this. But one can say they believe in God, and probably Sen Kaine does, while simultaneously living and working like what I call a practical agnostic.
The person may believe in God or a god, yet believe we cannot know God, and then live accordingly, i.e., live as if God is not there, is not engaged, and is not one to whom we are accountable. In that view, one is free to do what is right in their own eyes. This description might describe most leaders in much of the USA and Europe.
The real impact of this beginning presupposition is at the next level. If there is no God that we can know who is involved in our lives, then there is no definition for righteousness and sin, good and evil. Men and women are not inclined to sin but basically good at heart, thus the real culprit causing our social problems is not individual moral choices but society, systemic “out there” forces that do us in.
Bad behaving human beings are not, therefore, irresponsibly making immoral choices but just unlucky victims of the system. So, working to change the moral framework of youthful upbringing, reinforcing the positive values of a family with Dad and Mom guiding kids’ lives, or if young adults still make wrong choices, holding them accountable—these remedies are not considered, only endless conversations about the need for mental health programs or more stringent gun control.
If the shooter is trans, which several mass shooters have been, then don’t talk about it, for to recognize this evidence from the crime scene is to somehow demonize all trans individuals. If the shooter is an illegal immigrant and the victim is white, then don’t acknowledge this because it doesn’t fit the preferred ideological narrative. If the killer uses a gun, talk about that, not the innocent victims, but by all means talk about mental health.
“Of course mental illness is real. But not every evil act can be swept into the category of ‘disease.’ Some people do wicked things because they are wicked.
And leaders who refuse to acknowledge evil allow it to fester. Delayed justice encourages more injustice. Refusing to punish wrongdoing breeds more wrongdoing. That’s not just common sense; it’s biblical wisdom.”
Ecc. 8:11 says, “Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil.”
Now back again to “thoughts and prayers.” I don’t buy the jettisoning of thoughts and prayers as a political tactic to jump to gun control, but I do acknowledge that saying “our thoughts and prayers are with you” may not be sufficient.
Scripture talks about faith and works, not works to earn faith, for this is not possible, but works because of our faith. What is it that we can do in addition to extending sincere thoughts and prayers? There are many things, e.g., be present and assist in life needs among them. And protect children? Hardening security in schools, training and arming school staff, holding offenders accountable when they commit lesser crimes before they escalate to bigger crimes.
Our country does indeed need our thoughts and prayers. And it needs our actions too.
Well, we’ll see you again soon. This podcast is about Discerning What Is Best. If you find this thought-provoking and helpful, follow us on your favorite podcast platform. For more Christian commentary, see my website, r-e-x-m as in Martin, that’s rexmrogers.com, or check my YouTube channel @DrRexRogers.
And remember, it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm.
© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2025
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