The longer I live, the more people I meet, the more I understand that everyone has a backstory.

Of course this is an obvious truism. If people are breathing they had to have been born and lived life somewhere. But that’s not the point.

“Backstory” is a literary device or theatrical word. It refers to the history of characters, or in our instance people, that informs and maybe forms the present personality, emotional make-up, and perhaps circumstances or potential of the character or person of present interest.

Everyone has a story—who he or she is. A backstory is the story behind the story.

So what I’ve learned is that when I meet people, however they seem to me, there’s more to them. Somehow, someway the persons I am meeting are rooted in their own backstory. They didn’t awaken one day fully formed. They—he or she—didn’t become a jerk or a mean girl overnight. Nor did overnight they become a great person you want to get to know better. So while I’m no psychologist, I’ve learned from experience (at least to try) not to judge too quickly.

Of course a person’s backstory however wonderful, not so good, or horrible does not provide a free pass to act self-indulgently. I don’t mean we should overlook questionable behavior or attitudes as soon as we learn people’s backstory. No, I mean that we’re better off not to judge until we learn more about the person’s backstory because such knowledge invariably creates understanding and often with it compassion, or at least tolerance.

One of the things I learned in years of leadership is to always check the facts when I was confronted with an issue. Why? Because “there’s always more to the story.” People filter, put their best foot forward, obfuscate, and lie. People who do their best to tell the truth are still but finite persons who may have forgotten or missed some key detail in the story. Check the facts.

Same is true for people. Engage their present story and in time and as appropriate learn their backstory. Learning their backstory tells you a lot, a whole lot, about them, helps perspective, and maybe suggests how you should interact with them. Same, by the way, can be said about a people group like, say, Palestinians.

Learning the backstory is time well spent.

© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2011

*This blog may be reproduced in whole or in part with a full attribution statement. Contact Rex or read more commentary on current issues and events at www.rexmrogers.com or follow him at www.twitter.com/RexMRogers.

At the dawn of time, God looked upon his creation, including a guy named Adam, and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). This suggests a number of jokes like “God created women because he knew men by themselves would make a wreckage of things.” If you look around, that joke isn’t far off the mark.

Really, though, God created men and women for companionship, first with himself, and second with one another. Notice that God’s observation began with “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Being alone can be productive if you get more work done, relaxing without distractions, or simply enjoyable if you spend the time reflecting on whatever seems interesting. But being alone too long or too often can also be lonely or depressing.

Companionship matters because God created us to be companionable people. We’re individuals, but we work best in community. Aristotle was a smart man, but he only got it half right when he said, “Man is a social animal.” Human beings are not animals, but we are social.

Companionship is key to successful marriage and it’s always a great story to read about a couple that’s lived in holy and happy matrimony for more than sixty years. Husbands and wives, rightly matched, balance, reinforce, hold accountable, encourage, and complete one another. When it works as God intended it’s a great thing to experience and to watch.

But some people aren’t and maybe don’t want to be married. They’ve chosen a single person’s life and there’s nothing in Scripture that suggests this is anything other than a different choice or calling. It presents its own challenges and advantages. In terms of challenges, needed companionship must come from someone other than a spouse.

Obviously, there’s nothing wrong, per se, with being alone or choosing to live alone. A lot of people live alone for their own reasons or for a time and do so in a healthy manner. More power to them and may they be blessed with many friends.

It’s still rather interesting, though, to note that when you hear media describe someone as “a loner” it’s generally not a good thing. “Loners” can be so idiosyncratic they turn into hermits, recluses, or troglodytes. Howard Hughes, talented and rich though he was, became increasingly neurotic in his withdrawal from others, so his life didn’t end well or happy. “Loners” in this negative sense bring visions of the Unabomber. Companionship might have saved both men from ignominy.

Friends matter whether a person is married or single. Good friends are more difficult to find than one might imagine, and as one grows older, they’re sometimes even more difficult to find. But finding friends is usually possible and always necessary.

Companions must be carefully chosen. In Proverbs, Solomon repeated this refrain often: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (18:24). Real companions are loyal to not just you but to truth and your best interest: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born of adversity” (17:17) and “Wounds from a friend can be trusted” (27:6). Who our companions are says a lot about us, and who we are attracts companions of a similar worldview, character, and vision: “He who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (13:20). Worthy people seek worthy companions.

Companionship can be developed, and in a healthy way, with animals. People who own pets typically live longer. Pets brought into nursing homes can reinforce the wellbeing of the people who live there. Many true stories are told of pets that in their animal instinct and loyalty reached heights of heroism and nobility on behalf of distressed human masters.

Companionship is sometimes best appreciated when it’s not available, i.e., “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Or, “I miss you.”

But companionship is also a warm and precious thing to appreciate when it is available. When a friend stops in unexpectedly. When a pet bounds to the door at the end of a stressful day. When a loved one passes and others sit with you in silent support. When the arrival of grandkids is given away by the noise of their excited chatter, as in “The Marines, er, the grandkids have landed.” When the beloved spouse sits or works quietly nearby. When the Spirit of God communes with your needy heart.

If more people experienced true companionship the world would be a more pleasant place. God grant us more companionship.

© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2011

*This blog may be reproduced in whole or in part with a full attribution statement. Contact Rex or read more commentary on current issues and events at www.rexmrogers.com or follow him at www.twitter.com/RexMRogers.

Sarah and I have remarked for years how few people seem to invite others, or at least us, into their homes. But I don’t think it’s just us because I’ve heard others make the same lament. I’m not sure if this is something characteristic of West Michigan or whether it’s a lost art in the 21^st Century American culture.

In 17 years of university leadership we were invited to someone’s home only on rare occasions. There were, of course, notable exceptions. In particular I’m thinking of three families who invited us to share their home and hospitality many times. They were friendly and became friends, and we value their friendship to this day. But this was by far not the norm.

I recognize that as President I was considered the “Boss,” and social dynamics got in the way of staff members relating to me in any other way, no matter the setting. Personnel in most organizations do not typically invite their boss to their home. So I get that. But I don’t get others for whom this dynamic never existed.

As I said, I don't know if this phenomenon is unique to our region or a lost art nationally. Drawing on other experience I’d guess it’s both, meaning I believe West Michigan has an extra dose of it and that it’s a national trend too. But I also know certain areas of the country, the South for example, are characterized by more open attitudes about inviting people to one’s home.

In the Middle East, inviting people to one’s home is the height of hospitality. When first introduced, Middle Easterners would rather invite you to their home than be invited to yours. By going to their home you show them honor and respect and they, in turn, become better acquainted with you. In the States we don’t seem to do either as much as I remember from my youth.

In Proverbs 18:24 Solomon said, “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly,” (KJV). It seems to me that inviting someone to your home is an incredible way to express openness and genuine friendliness. If I invite you and you come to my home you learn more about me because you see me in my natural habitat. The same is true in reverse.

Perhaps this is why people don’t invite others to their homes as much as people used to do. They don’t want others to learn about them. We’ve isolated ourselves in our cocoons and don’t want to be bothered or known.

It’s a free country, I know, so if people choose not to invite others into their home there isn’t much I can say about it. Except that I think they lose an opportunity for friendship, fellowship, connectedness, and community. They lose a chance to know and be known, which is a part of being human.

Inviting people into your home is a blessing that flows in both directions—to your guests and back again to you.

© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2010

*This blog may be reproduced in whole or in part with a full attribution statement. Contact Dr. Rogers or read more commentary on current issues and events at www.rexmrogers.com or follow Dr. Rogers at www.twitter.com/RexMRogers.

Len Galloway went to be with the Lord last evening. I’ll miss him because Sarah and I count Len and Orpha among our best of friends.

The Lord blessed Len with a very long and good life, an especially good wife, and three sons and their families, all of whom live nearby. Near the end he did not suffer and he slipped away as quietly and easily as perhaps one can. This, too, is a gift of God.

I will always remember Len in a quite personal way. Len and I talked at length about Christian decision-making, worldview, religion and politics, and culture. Because of those conversations he kept after me for years to write a book about Christian liberty. I finally did. In the book’s Acknowledgements I cited Len’s persistence, saying “In our relationship over more than ten years, every time I saw the man—and I do mean every time—he asked me about the status of this book. Then he’d encourage, beg, cajole, and “threaten” me to get it completed because he so deeply believed the Christian community is being needlessly torn apart by disagreements in the culture wars. Len, your confidence and dogged determination were something I needed. Thank you.” I appreciated Len then and I still appreciate him now for that support.

While we are a generation younger, age never seemed to make much difference in our friendship, partly because for many years Orpha served as Dr. Galloway at Cornerstone University where I also worked. And Sarah and Orpha became walking buddies and confidantes. We were privileged to travel together to exotic places like Hawaii and Cancun, and Sarah traveled additional times with them when Orpha led Chancel Singers tours or the two of them led university friends’ bus trips to various parts of the country.

Len will be missed by a wonderful and faithful wife and his extended family and friends. But it’s good to know he’s with the Lord and to have experienced Len’s one final good example. As his time neared, and he knew it, Len showed us how to wait for the Lord’s timing, trust Him, and then meet Him in faith and peace.

You were a good man and a good friend, Len. We’ll see you again someday.

© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2010

This blog may be reproduced in whole or in part with a full attribution statement. Contact Dr. Rogers or read more commentary on current issues and events at www.rexmrogers.com, or follow Dr. Rogers at www.twitter.com/rexmrogers.

Paul Gordon was a model in all the right ways. Paul (1923-2008), the patriarch of the Gordon Food Services family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, went home to be with the Lord this week. I am glad to say that I knew him.

Paul was an innovative, highly successful business leader of a large and growing privately-held food services company. But he will be remembered by people throughout the world--thousands that he helped during his lifetime--for his overt and always evident commitment to the Lord, for his vision and insight, for his deep, gravelly voice, for his side-splitting sense of humor, and for his generosity. It is not exaggeration to say that he was "beloved" by virtually all who made his acquaintance.

Paul's heart for international Christian missions took he and his wife, and often his children and grandchildren, to mission fields in countries around the world. In countless places he gave significantly and he gave quietly, generally insisting his name appear nowhere in print or on facilities because he wanted God to be glorified. His quiet approach is legendary, so much so many in his hometown simply do not realize how extensive Paul Gordon's influence is among Christian people and those they help worldwide.

Paul called me one day a few years ago and said, "Dr. Rogers, how would you and your lovely bride like to go with us to Turkey?" I said, "Turkey? When?" He said, "October." At the time he called it was early September. Long story short, Mr. and Mrs. Gordon underwrote my wife's and my trip for ten days with a Christian tour visiting biblical sites in Asia Minor like Ephesus, Galatia, and many more. It was a wonderful, instructive time in which we were privileged to get to know Paul and Dottie better, learn about the Apostle Paul's missionary journeys, and fellowship with other believers. Thank you, Paul.

Paul Gordon showed us what a Christian man ought to be. I will always be grateful God allowed me to be Paul's friend.

© Rex M. Rogers – All Rights Reserved, 2008

*This blog may be reproduced in whole or in part with a full attribution statement. Contact Dr. Rogers or read more commentary on current issues and events at www.rexmrogers.com or follow him at www.twitter.com/rexmrogers.